News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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