i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
