The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
