My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
