I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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