i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
