My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
did i just pee glitter
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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