I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
