; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
