He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
