why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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