Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.