I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
