this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
