I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
