I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He passed out mid-signature
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
