have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
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