i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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