i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
