well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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