she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
