Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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