so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
