Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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