I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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