I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
