Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
