If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I need water and some morals
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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