And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
