dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
