I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
