hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
