i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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