My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
