I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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