I wish I could teleport
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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