no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
