I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
