just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
