Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
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When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
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I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️