thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
