So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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