i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I supernannyed him into submission
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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