he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
