you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
