Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
