Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
