Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
