just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
