apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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