So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Guys Hate When Girls Do These 29 Cringeworthy Things
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.