i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
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Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
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Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened