I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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