i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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