I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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