i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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