Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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